A gentle reminder...

I read a blog today on WW that really put things into perspective for me.  She stated:  “I have low self-esteem because I refuse to love myself more. I let me hate me. If I treated any of my friends or my husband with such scrutiny, loathing and ridicule as I do myself, I’d be all alone. But I know that I can say these things to myself because frankly I can never leave me. I’m stuck with me. I’m a bolted down punching bag.”

As the count down to the Obliteride arrives I find myself nowhere near as fit as I was last year and realized how my self-loathing and constant ridicule of myself has spiraled me directly into the direction that I don’t want to go.  It is true, if I called others the names I call myself, they wouldn’t be my friend.  Why is it so much easier to find the negatives; to pick yourself apart rather then look at the accomplishments and the positives?

I watched Kaleb this weekend do his 2^nd every kids triathlon.  He was so excited, he swam even though he said he wasn’t going to, he rode hard and he ran fast.  During his run he and another boy collided and he fell hard to the ground.  He quickly picked himself up; eyes focused on his run ahead and ran towards the finish line.  What a lovely inspiration he is.  You always hear people say, when your down, you just need to pick yourself up and move on.  Kaleb reminded me of that today. It’s time to pick myself back up, focus my energy on being positive for myself and for my family. I promise to stop bullying myself, find time to rediscover myself again, and be proud of all the little and big accomplishments that I do.  Starting now…

I am proud that I helped our family (Team Bishop) come in 5^th for the Chelanman sprint triathlon mixed relay category.  I rode harder than I have in a long time and finished with a much better time than my same ride in 2011 – beat it by 3 minutes!  I am proud of Mason for running his little heart out at a much faster pace than mom would have.  I am proud of Kaleb for his triathlon victory and inspiration that he is.

I love my family and promise not to beat myself up in front of them.

Only 32 Days, 19 hours, 46 minutes until my ride!

It seems like I just started this blog like a day ago, and here we are on the final almost a month countdown to the Obliteride.  The sun is out and the weather is perfect for long rides of which I am slowly getting more and more time in on my bike.  I forget sometimes that long rides do take a long time.  The idea of Obliteride coming in only 32 days does cause a bit of anxiety, but I am determined to do this for all of the wonderful people who have supported me both financially as well as emotionally on this journey.  My mom's cancer continues to progress and the idea of cancer winning the fight is difficult to except.  So I continue to ride for my mom who's strength through the chemo is amazing, her determination to try and not have us "worry" I think is such a mom thing to do. We do worry, we know the outcome from this disease is not the one any of us want.  So I draw strength from my mother's fight to extend her life, if she can go through the crap she is going through the least I can do is ride 100 miles even if I am not in Tour De France shape.

Bound and Determined

So I had an eye opening experience this weekend that reminded me just how off track I am with my health.  I have been so focused on the health of others, mainly my mother’s, that I have lost focus of me.  This weekend I attempted to 1) surf behind a moving boat 2) knee board.  Both were unsuccessful.  While I should get credit for even attempting, it was also a defeating experience that I should be able to do this.  OK – the surfing one was a bit difficult, perhaps more mechanics and brain power then physical fitness, but the knee board; that shouldn’t have been so darn difficult.  My niece made it look surprisingly easy, she just popped up on the board and away she went.  Me, well there was no popping.  It was a continuous struggle of me fighting with my arms to hold the rope (mind you it’s attached to a boat going fairly fast) and trying without success to pull my body off the board and get on my knees.  From Mason’s perspective in the boat, he was wondering when I was going to try and get up.  I explained to him that I was trying the entire time!  But did not have enough arm strength to pull the rope, creep up onto my knees and successfully get into the proper knee boarding position.  I was well… tummy boarding.  I attempted multiple times, all to no avail, which led to frustration and a bit of a pitty party on my part.

So as the warm weather sets in and it’s only 33 days until I ride my bike 100 miles a bit of panic sets in; as well as a bit of resolution that I am the key to my success or failure.  I know this – I work in research for Pete’s sake.  The research I work on is focused on obesogenic outcomes and helping others to lose weight.  So I set new attainable goals, to get to the shape I was a year ago, to focus on upcoming events including the Obliteride, triathlons and a half marathon.  Ever since losing Emory (a whole different long story) I have used exercise to release my stress and cope with the changes in my life.  Somehow I lost focus of that and turned to the old standby of cinnamon bears.  With the new stress of my mother’s cancer, I know I need a positive outlet and I know what it is, I need to commit to putting time in my calendar for the needed exercise.  I need to recommit to the Weight Watchers I am paying for and not attending. I need to recommit to me!  I am hoping that my affirmations here and by writing this down for others to see that I will stay determined.  And darn it, I am bound and determined to get up on that knee board the next time the chance arrives!